Religious Devotion

I was born Catholic. But for some reasons, my relationship with my religion became low to almost null. With the political upheaval and the Catholic Bishops of the Philippines’ meddling with national politics, I started to lose my faith with Catholicism. Until I find myself not believing in faith anymore.

 

That’s when my spiritual self began to lose focus. I became so in love with love, I engaged myself intimately with people who I felt in connection with. But those feelings were really basal and without focus. God was not there in our decisions. God was not part of our relationship. I totally turned my back away from God.

Because of the hatred that I feel against the bishops, I tried looking for alternative religions. But I failed. My spiritual self continued to suffer and eventually, I felt incomplete. My life was pointless.

Then I had a eureka.

I am born Catholic. Hence, I am part of my Church. I do not have to exclude myself from the Church. I was raised by the Church. Therefore, I should hug it with both arms. There were the reasons why I came back to Catholicism. I am a Catholic, and I will live by my faith to the Mother Church, and to my God the Father, and to Jesus Christ, and to Mary, the Queen; I will raise my faith to the apostles and saints, and to the martyrs, and to the Holy Spirit.

I went back to reading the Bible. But I still am not narrow. I’m a gay Bible reader.  

Araw-araw

Kung may namimiss man ako kapag hindi tayo magkasama

Yun yung mga food trips natin sa mall

O ang walang katapusang pagwi-window shopping

Maging yung mga kulitan natin tungkol sa kung anu-ano.

Namimiss ko yun

Pero hindi lang yun.

Yung mga tawanan natin

At mga seryosong usapan natin

At pang-aasar mo sa akin kapag nagiging cheesy na ako

Yung mga napapansin nating pareho sa mga taong dumadaan

Maging sa iPod-tripping at laptop-surfing

Maging mga usapan sa trabaho at sa pagda-diet.

Namimiss ko rin yun

Pero hindi lang yun.

 

Pinaka-namimiss ko yung ikaw.

Yung katahimikang ibinabalot mo sa akin sa tuwing magkasama tayo.

Yung mga tingin mong nangungusap.

Yung simple pero malaman mong mga sagot sa tanong ko

At mga tanong mo sa sagot ko.

Yung pakikinig mo sa mga kwento ko

Yung mga ngiti mo

Kasama na ngipin mo.

Seryoso,

Namimiss ko yun.

 

Pero alam mo kung ano ang pinaka-namimiss ko sa lahat?

Yung panlalambing mo.

Yung pagyakap mo.

Yung pagtibok ng puso mo

Yung pagtitig sa akin ng mga mata mo

At maging ang paghawak mo sa kamay ko

Na nagsasabing tayo ay iisa.

Yung simpleng paghinga mo habang sinasabi mong mahal mo rin ako.

Yun ang pinaka-namimiss ko.

Noise

I have heard that familiar sound
A portal to broken memories
And forgotten realities
Singing the death of the angels
The unbeatable noise that triggers
Countless promises, denials
I never want to strumm again

Hampas ng Alon

Ang mundo’y isang laot

Kayraming tao sa paligid

Ngunit kung iyong mapapansin

Pare-pareho, paulit-ulit

Pareho ng suot, pareho ng iniisip

Pareho ng galaw, pareho ang sambit.

 

Lahat ay mistulang bumabaybay, sumasabay

Sa isang alon patungo sa kawalan ng buhay.

Ikaw, kapatid, iyo na bang nasubukan

Pagtuligsa sa alon, iyo na bang naranasan?

Making YKAP Voices Count in the Call for Unified Action

Post-ICAAP Report

 

The recently concluded 10^th International Congress on AIDS in Asia and the Pacific in Busan, South Korea proved to be more than just a Congress of Asia Pacific’s leading advocates and activities in the area of HIV. ICAAP was also a time for young key affected populations (YKAPs) in Asia and the Pacific to come together, wield, and hoist YKAP issues in various discussions with different audiences. Most importantly, ICAAP was a time for YKAP leaders to step up and claim beyond universal access to HIV-related services including comprehensive sexuality education, which is the recognition that we, as YKAP, have rights too. And our participation in every discussion is essential.

 

YouthLEAD, with support from Save the Children, invited me to attend the five-day ICAAP in Busan, South Korea. Being the second largest HIV conference in the world held every two years, I was so looking forward and excited to attend the Congress. Being more than five years in HIV advocacy, for the first time, I would be meeting the movers and shakers of HIV activism in this part of the region. And being young and gay myself, I would be able to make my voice count and would be able to partake in the discussions on various issues, ranging from a more personal to a more programmatic to policies. Likewise, I would be able to dig in and explore new possibilities and innovative approaches which I can apply in my home country, the Philippines, particularly in my work as a research coordinator on HIV and human rights program with Action for Health Initiatives (ACHIEVE), Inc., a nongovernment organization that does action researches on issues on HIV, migration, sexual orientation and gender identity, and human rights.

Prior to ICAAP, I had the chance to participate at the New Generation Leadership Training by YouthLEAD from August 23-24. I got the chance to meet my fellow YouthLEADers (to quote Gaj, a fellow YouthLEAD focal point) and Korean youth participants who were also part of the ICAAP Local Organizing Committee (LOC). The two-day training was a dry-run-cum-consultation from the YKAPs of the five-day New Generation Leadership training which will make its maiden run here in the Philippines this coming November. At the two-day training/consultation, I got the chance to learn new energizers and new ways of levelling concepts and information on HIV and YKAPs – enough to be understood by the YKAPs. And I saw how the module evolved as a module for YKAPs by YKAPs, which was really great.

 

The relatively “serious” work began on Day 3 (August 25) when the community forum began. I joined the youth forum and partook in the activities leading to the formulation of key youth statements that would form part of the community statement to be read during the ICAAP Opening Ceremonies on the evening of the 26^th. While there were some agenda in the youth forum that I thought was “irrelevant”, I was in awe to hear the experiences of LGBTs and LGBT activists in Korea. Through my newfound Korean friends, I was able to uncover how difficult it was to come out as gay in Korea because one might lose his or her job or even his or her schooling. What more to issues surrounding HIV! But at the end of the session, we were able to develop key messages on treatment as prevention and human rights. These messages were shared to the larger community the following day at the Report-Back Forum.

 

I also got to attend the Opening Ceremonies on the night of August 26^th – where the series of protests began. Being an activist myself, I felt how, despite the language barrier, Korean activists have been sealing their lips because their own government seals them from claiming their rights. It was also very emotional for me when I saw my fellow Korean LGBT activists there with the rest of the group. But it was our voices that united us in fighting for stigma and discrimination. The protest did not end peacefully, and I it was only the beginning of ICAAP.

 

The three “official” ICAAP days was, to sum it all up, very rewarding to me. I got the chance to attend sessions which were very relevant to my advocacy work. I attended sessions that tackle very personal issues (YKAP and MSM); sessions that advance my advocacy on HIV and human rights; and issues that satisfies my curiosity (migration and HIV). I also got the chance to mingle and got to know more about my fellow YKAP leaders in various fields at the Youth Pavilion, and I got the chance to meet various organizations and people who can help us in our work with young people and in the area of human rights. One of the most exciting sessions for me was actually the side event, the NewGen Asia Launch Lunch. Being pre-selected as a mentee was already a privilege; to be with the present and future leaders aimed in reaching ‘Three Zeros’ in a single room was definitely an experience to remember.

 

This year’s ICAAP, however, will definitely be remembered because of the Anti-FTA protests and the suppression of voices and violation of the right to free speech and expression. While I am not new to street protests and social actions, it was both frustrating and outrageous for the Korean government to intervene and meddle with activities within ICAAP, which is supposedly a safe space for protest. Shame on the Korean government for the arrests and police abuse against ICAAP Korean and foreign delegates. In order to help, I am linking up another organization wherein I’m a member of, Amnesty International Philippines, with Amnesty International Korea to follow-up on if there will arrests and threats against Korean activists post-ICAAP.

 

My entire experience in the nine-day stay in Busan, South Korea for the 10^th ICAAP motivated me to learn from my own experience, discover new initiatives, and form stronger partnerships. Coming from ICAAP, I am moved to lever my advocacy up. The Congress made me understood the connections of what I do in-country with the rest of the region, and the contributions that I do, which is not only for my country but for the entire region as well. ICAAP is also a place to meet not only new friends, meet in-person email, Skype, or Facebook contacts, but also a venue to form linkages that serve as nodes in gaining new knowledge and learning from each other’s experience. Most importantly, I got to know Save the Children’s current initiatives on peer education that cater YKAPs in the Philippines, and which is already in its expansion stage.

 

Coming from ICAAP, the most concrete next step that I will take is to get in touch with the partners I met in the Congress to pursue my work with the police and with the lawyers in mainstreaming their services to cater HIV-related stigma and discrimination. Most importantly, ICAAP also paved way for our organization, ACHIEVE, to commence conducting action researches on HIV, young people and the law, which I am very excited about.

To the Young who Want To Die by Gwendolyn Brooks

Sit down. Inhale. Exhale.
The gun will wait. The lake will wait.
The tall gall in the small seductive vial
will wait will wait:
will wait a week: will wait through April.
You do not have to die this certain day.
Death will abide, will pamper your postponement.
I assure you death will wait. Death has
a lot of time. Death can
attend to you tomorrow. Or next week. Death is
just down the street; is most obliging neighbor;
can meet you any moment.

You need not die today.
Stay here–through pout or pain or peskyness.
Stay here. See what the news is going to be tomorrow.

Graves grow no green that you can use.
Remember, green’s your color. You are Spring.

Pakpak

At siya’y parating na mula sa

makulimlim na alapaap

Nagniningning na parang bagong

anghel sa kalangitan.

Pilit na sinasalo

Mga liwanag na kanyang

hinihinga

Ito na marahil ang hudyat ng bagong umaga,

yayakapin ako.

Pihitan

Nakatitig sa mga sasakyan
Naghihintay, nag-aabang
Di mawaglit mga alaala ng nakaraan
Parang mga alikabok sa kalsadang
nagbabaybay kasabay ng malakas na
hanging tumutulak sa mundo.

Matagal nang inasam
Hanggang sa marating rin ang
Kaibuturan ng iyong mga pangarap
Pinilit na matupad ang lahat ng
Nais na maasam
Ipinaglaban ang mga pinaniniwalaan
Ngunit hindi rin pala lahat ay
Nagtatagumpay sapagkat
hindi rin lahat ay nangyayari
ayon sa ninanais.

Minsan kailangang luwagan.
Minsan kailangang pagbigyan.
Para hindi masaktan.
Para lalong magmahal.

A Forgotten Story of the Philippine-American War

Just seen “Amigo”, a very detailed film on the lost history of Philippine-American war, 1899-1901. I admit, it’s a very heavy film, so heavy that at some point I had to calm myself down from the rage of emotions that each scenes transcend.

The story of “Amigo” took place in San Isidro, a barrio relatively far from the nearest bayan, but just like any other town inflicted by war, San Isidro was eventually invaded by the overpowering army, the Americans. Amigo was the name American soliders used to call Felipe, the barrio’s cabeza de barangay.

The story weaves through the struggle of Rafael Dacanay in fulfilling his functions as cabeza de barangay and, being a brother to one of the leader of insurrectos, helping their barrio free of invaders. But the wrath of the invasion was too powerful and he was caught in the middle, being accused as a spy or an enemy of the revolution.

The life in the Philippines at the turn of the last century were obviously difficult because of the invasions, save for the people who have learned how to become resilient despite the wars. I’ve never seen any film that has successfully captured the difficult life during the Philippine-American war, particularly the lives of the civilians who are war’s primary victims. The movie also impacted me on how Filipinos have learned, in a bad way,  to become resilient. I remember this one scene where an old man was asking the Spanish friar on what to do. The Spanish friar, bitter because of the way he was treated when the Filipino revolution erupted, said that the people should pray and just continue with their doing. We Filipinos have been raised by history, very badly, to do nothing and to trust in God wholeheartedly and wait. yes, WAIT. And these Spanish friars thought us the beauty of suffering (that it brings us closer to God), which I think is ridiculous.

The film boasts with a lot of  striking and heartbreaking scenes. There were two outstanding scenes that viewers should really watch out for; one is the crying mother over the death of Esperanza. She was moving and still give me goosebumps until now everytime I remember her. The other one was the scene where Felipe, being dragged by the Americans, met with her spouse in front of the church. The way the Spanish friars and the American platoon leader talk about and over the Filipinos (since the Filipinos then cannot understand the English language) was irritatingly and annoyingly effective. Sayles was able to translate issues of power just by retaining the language. And it was real because it happened in the 1900s.

Amigo shook my sense of being a Filipino and made me question my embrace with the so-called “Filipino pride”. The heartbreaking shattering past portrayed in the film made me feel like being dragged in the mud. It’s a difficult film to absorb because I could not believe that it happened. It needs to be discussed and processed because of its effect that left me breathless even after I left the theater.

History is not a gentle reminder of our past. It tells us our bitterest becoming – as a person, as a Filipino. And we have to learn from history, not only because we want to acknowledge those who died and suffered for us which contributes to who and where we are now, but for history not to happen again. It’s not cliche.

A matter of choice

What is wrong with giving people a choice? Who are we to deny people to choose freely? Watching the TV5 Debates last night put me in deep thoughts as to why Filipinos can be so selfish to other Filipinos.

 

The Reproductive Health (RH) bill is now in Congress and is still being withheld by lawmakers who think that Filipinos do not need RH services because it will only make people promiscuous. That God would not approve RH bill because it allows abortion. Now that the talk of the town is divorce, we again see people coming from the same pool of arguments: because marriage comes from God and that we should protect its sanctity; that it will ruin the family because married people will take advantage of the divorce and get separated; and it will make the Philippines miserable because family is the foundation of our society. First, who are they to talk on behalf of God? And they even use the Bible to justify their positions, knowing that the Bible is a book written not by God, but by human writers. It’s the word of the Lord “according to” and not according to the Lord Himself. What difference will it bring then if I quote writers of the current times?

 

Respect. Ok. It’s just a matter of respect. And I hope these Bible readers could also respect those whose choice are restricted because these laws are not available. What about respect to choice? Who are we to tie people down on their feet and deny them of their choice to do what they want? If our conscience cannot attain to accept bills like divorce, RH, and even anti-discrimination, I hope they can respect the choice of other people who want to avail of the services that these bills offer. If we care about God who cares about His people, who are we to deny them of the rights of the people? I believe my God is more than just based from the Bible. My God is an enlightened God who respects the choices of His people.

 

To those in Congress, I hope they will listen to their people and not from their God or their conscience alone. If they cannot imagine approving bills like anti-discrimination, divorce and RH, I hope they find in themselves the time to listen to what their constituents need; not only to what the majority wants but even to that single, almost unheard voice in the crowd. Choice is a right, and as representatives, you should not deny our right to choose freely to things that we think will make our lives better. I elected you to represent me. Listen.

 

To the Filipino people, choose your representatives wisely. Take advantage of your vote to elect those who you think can represent you. And please learn to respect others. Respect diversity. Respect other people’s choice. If your argument is based on the Bible, please, we are not all Bible readers. I personally do not read the Bible, but I believe in God. And it’s my choice, because I believe that my God will not punish me for not reading Bible; because regardless of whether I read the Bible or not, we still have the same God.  He is the same understanding God. He is the same God who respects us for who we are. He is the God of love. So who are we to point people and tell them what is good and bad and tell them what they must do? We are all the same in the eyes of God. God does not discriminate. But please, stop talking on behalf of the Lord. he may be forgiving, but He does not like righteous and hypocrite people. The only way that connects you to your God are your beliefs. You believe in your God as much as I believe in mine. But you are not God himself.

 

Respect our choice, whether we agree or disagree to each other’s decision, position, mindframe or beliefs about God. But care to listen. Try, as much as you can, to put yourself in our shoes; we who need these bills. But if you still cannot imagine the experience of being in someone else’s shoes, let it go. But learn to respect our freedom of choice and let these choices be available and accessible to us. Respect our choice regardless of our differing socioeconomic status, political stance, sexual orientation and gender identity, and civil status. because at the end of it all, we are not all the same. Our experiences tell us so. Yet we are all human.

 

And history will prove that we all desire freedom. Freedom to decide and do things that will make our lives better according to our own experiences and aspirations. Even the freedom to choose our God and our religion. And freedom is not a matter of agreeing or disagreeing. It is not a matter of allowing or disallowing. Freedom is not a debate about good versus evil, or about assuming that everybody believes in God and in the Bible. It is not even a matter of who is the majority or who has the numbers. Freedom is about respect.