Coincidence. Fate. Love.

[08Nov09|10:49am|No Air – Glee Cast]

I woke up early today and I couldn’t sleep because of a sore throat, so I figured why not start the day watching 500 Days of Summer. The film didn’t fail to catch me again, and I’d say this is one of those films that I can really relate to.

In a nutshell, 500 Days of Summer tags with a teaser line: “boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl doesn’t”. The film also stated in the beginning that “it is not a love story”. But it was. It was a near-to-reality love story. The reality of this love story between Tom and Summer is that it doesn’t only shows the good things in a relationship, but looks at how a person (a guy in this case) wants to figure out why this person who he’s so in love with is not meant for him. The movie’s storytelling shifts like a planner where it shifts to specific events in his relationship with Summer back and forth – in days. It was weird to watch a film that doesn’t have a real sense of chronological storytelling, but the shifting works, as I come to realize how the little details of everyday becomes very significant in the future. Tom, in the movie, wants to figure out why their relationship didn’t work out. They were a great couple, at first, but he wanted to figure what happened to their relationship and when did their relationship started to go downhill. In the end, the Tom and Summer relationship never worked out. But something better happened at the end of the story.

I can very much relate to Tom. He’s someone who can’t live through life alone and who regards being in a relationship with a girl is central to his life. Summer is the opposite. She’s not into serious things and considers Tom only as her best friend despite all the things that they do that will pass the “boyfriend-girlfriend” label. I hate Tom for not asking Summer what they really are so that he already have a clear vision of how to regard Summer. But then he’s too afraid to face the reality that maybe Summer never really likes (or maybe loves) him (similar to the formula of he’s not just into you).

But then I realized that most of the time you really need to go through all these heartaches; because in the end, in the bigger picture (or in our sense, on hindsight), we’ll know why in time. Summer was right; one day you’ll suddenly wake up realized that the guy next to you is the guy that you wanted to marry. Likewise, one day, you’ll wake up and realize that the guy you’re sleeping with these past 499 days is not really the guy meant for you. And what if Summer and her husband didn’t meet? What if she was two minutes late or was not reading that book or whatever? But then again, the connectivity of things that happens to us everyday; that one instance that happens as a result of the previous thing that happened, subject to our own preference or choice, is called fate. Nothing is coincidence. The realization may come to us as hindsight, but that’s just the way things are. We never learn life’s lessons from other people; most are learned through our own experiences. In Tom’s case, what Summer did to him eventually made him quit his job, continue pursuing architecture, and meet the girl of his destiny: Autumn. Fate leads him to her in the most subtle and pretty much normal day – a normal day that sometimes turns out to be a very significant moment in our life.

In the end and going back to Tom and Summer’s experience, I’d still like to think that Tom and Summer wasn’t really meant to be. But Summer was pivotal to Tom’s life; so as Tom to Summer’s life. And that’s how life teaches us. So whenever you feel like it’s the end, never give up. Life has more things to offer, so continue living life at your best.

24

[15July2009|11:19PM|You Can by David Archuleta]

As the clock strikes its last hours to signify the end of my birthday this 2009, I would like to give thanks to all the people who have remembered my natal day. At first I thought nobody but my family and my boyfriend remembered (they were really ecstatic as they greeted me this morning) but as days went by, a few of my close friends started texting me. These were few, I thought.

As I went home, I was telling my boyfriend that only a few remembered my birthday. Little did I know that Facebook would surprise me with a long list of happy birthdays from my friends! It was a surprise indeed. I was also surprised to be greeted by some of the big people in the NGO world. Nakakasorpresa talaga. Kahit si Erin Tañada binati ako!

So thanks to the following people who greeted me, namely (not in particular order):

1. Gerald Jandusay
2. Genesis Ramos
3. Philip Castro
4. Hiyasmin Itutud
5. Mary Joy Morin
6. Juli Generalao (Viva Fret!)
7. Ialou Macapanpan
8. Connie Aranzanso
9. Joby Alcantara
10. Ulysees Borres
11. Jeanie Cuario
12. Erin Sinogba
13. Reiza and Zsazsa (tandem sila palagi eh!)
14. Peter Perpetua
15. Erin Tañada
16. Beckie Malay
17. Myrna Maglahus
18. Marose Ramos
19. Julius Lunar
20. Bona Hilario
21. Maricel Sabado
22. Cindy Aguas
23. Ej Agaid
24. Diane Coloma
25. Trixie Esguerra
26. Jonalden Ferrer
27. Charlotte Ganza and company
28. Therese Ella
29. Adel Yu
30. Rowell Casaclang
31. Christel Amparado
32. Jan Robert Go
33. Niña Bumanglag (who’s also celebrating her birthday today)
34. Alden Copuyoc
35. Augustus Caesar Latosa
36. Paola Nartea
37. Irene Dizon
38. Richelle Absalud
39. Rhea Obrera
40. Jonathan Caalim
41. Mei Orias
42. Ryan Silverio
43. GLOBE
44. Jhed Cabrera
45. Giussepp Ventura
46. Mark Habel
47. Mary Grace Palenzuela
48. Marvin Boransing

Wow, ang dami rin pala ng bumati sa akin!

The greatest gift I received? It was a promise from my partner, and assurance of his commitment to our relationship; that I shouldn’t worry if he is not as sweet as I am; that I am his one sweet love. I guess that made my birthday complete. It blew all my worries away.I simply admire his understanding.

Holding On

[24May2009|08:45am|My Hands]

Maybe it was my fault after all. I don’t know him fully, but I don’t know why I’m always in a hurry.

In the most unexpected and unanticipated situation, I found him. It was our organization’s outing; I was not looking for someone, but we found each other on the way. I instantly liked him. He also confessed that he likes me. So I pursued him and expressed what I feel about him for weeks. Everything was alright at first; we go out almost everyday and we have had good times together. We were relatively happy. Then we became best friends. We clicked so well that we are happy with each other.

But I was falling.

Eventually, some good things started to be a little bit confusing. We became sort of lovers but we’re not. I didn’t think that what was happening was healthy (although it was very tempting), but if we are to establish a good relationship, I realized that we should talk about it. So we did. Finally, last night, I asked what our status was. I also confided about the creeping pain and the agony that I feel every time I think about us and the things that we do. We were unofficially together, but we were like – together. It was confusing and dangerous. We were stuck.

His answer was: we were best friends. He likes me but his situation right now is so complicated that he can’t make a firm decision. His recent break-up was very recent and devastating that he don’t want to enter into a new relationship.

On one hand, I was happy because he cared for me as his best friend. On the other, it was heartache. I was falling for him but he couldn’t accept it. But looking on the bright side, it was good that I knew it this early than to fall for him and pursue him even deeper then expect nothing.

I am confused. Maybe the way I wrote this entry is more telling of how confused I am right now. My heart has been bruised again. More questions started popping out of my head. But one thing’s for sure, I am falling for my best friend and I am willing to hold on a little bit longer. Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know.

How to Survive the Night while He’s with his Ex

[05May2009|10:48pm]

Matapos ang isang oras na pagpapanggap na matutulog na ako, bumangon rin ako. Mahirap pala magpanggap. Paano ba kasi? Paano ba masusurvive ang isang gabing alam mong nasa mga palad siya ng ex nya? Papaano mo ba madidistract ang sarili para huwag masyadong isipin at mag-imagine ng kung anu-ano. Let me count the ways…

1. Food trip. Maraming pagkain sa bahay kaya hala sige kain. Kaso sa breakfast foods rin ako bumagsak: fried egg at ham. Parang may subconscious connotation na gusto ko nang mag-umaga para magkita na kaming muli.
2. Write a blog entry. Eto na nga. Lalo lang akong nagigising kakaisip kasi mukha lang niya nakikita ko sa screen ng monitor ko. Sabayan mo pa ng kantang “You Give Me Something” ni James Morrison. Vigil na ito.
3. Sound trip. Pwede rin, ngunit matapos ang sunud-sunod na “Waiting for My Stars to Fall”, “Superhuman” at “Falling Slowly”, parang lahat na lang ng kanta ay dedicated sa akin. After 10 songs, mas lalo lang akong nakakarelate. Kaya tinigil ko na.
4. Read a book. My current “to-read” list includes “The Hours” and “Boy Meets Boy”. Wow. Title pa lang, reflective of what’s happening na. I just met “the boy” and I’m still waiting for “the hours”.

Pero bakit nga ba ako dapat magpaapekto? We just met and our friendship is barely five days old. We have yet to enjoy a lot of things as friends. We enjoy each other’s company.

Pero bakit ganun? Kaninang pauwi, habang binabaybay ng FX na sinasakyan ko ang daan ng Mindanao Avenue at nakita ko ang Trinoma, napaisip ako,

“He’s somewhere out there; so near yet so far.”

At sa gitna ng kadiliman sa loob ng FX, dahan-dahang tumulo ang luha ko.

New Beginning

[03May2009|11:14pm|Love is Real by Regina Spektor]

There’s something about my recent gimmick that allowed me to rethink courtships. For the past seven years or so, all my same-sex relationships had always been short-lived. Thing is, the “getting-to-know” part has always been integrated with “dating” and “being together”, and it’s not a very good formula. I always end up lost in touch with myself, depressed, and frustrated. And it’s a bad habit.

But this time, I think, I am starting to believe that homosexual relationships are like any other relationships. I only need to take things slowly. Tonight, I am starting to believe in getting to know the person before taking it to another step. Tonight, I am starting to believe in establishing friendship. Tonight, I am starting to believe in real love – something that is really worth fighting for and something that is worth nurturing.

Tonight is a new beginning.

Ode to My Future Lover

Today, we still are strangers..
Today, we belong to different circles.

Now as I lay me down in my bed,
Wondering how lovely our first dinner will be..
I can’t stop but long for u dearly.
Hoping your doing fine
And in safety.
Ttoday we belong in different worlds..
Living our different lives
I can’t help but wonder what you are doing
As I am writing this.

Today, my love, I shall stop looking for you.
For I know, destiny will always be on our side.
Today, I shall live it like i would always be with your side
I shall be happy.
Contented.
Thankful.

I shall continue to walk.
My path.
For one day
It will cross yours..
Until that day comes.
Today.. and everyday.. I shall continue to be me.
So that one day, when we’re together.. it shall match you.

Priorities

[22April2009|7:32pm|Mobile by Avril Lavigne]

Last night, I met with Wilvic at Glorietta. It was our second meet-up since the first at the General EyeBall of SingleGuysOnlineManila community. Among the members, this one heck of a serious guy really stood out for me. He came in as mysterious and meek; a man of few words so to tell. Members would find him as the joker online, but those were only his façade. Spending a day with him, maybe even over cups of coffee and/or tea, would be a breath of fresh air for someone though he would tell you that he’s bored in having those kinds of conversations which I found funny. He’s such an adorable and cute guy. Still half a stranger to me, I believe that regardless, he’ll definitely be one of those who I would probably remember for the rest of my life.

Wilvic taught me about priorities and how priorities define us as humans hoping for the better. We didn’t open up the topic like a classroom lecture but his revelations about his life and his experiences – it’s worth listening to. It’s a cliché that everyday life is a struggle, it’s true; but what let us find ourselves from getting lost in this tipsy world are our priorities. Wilvic has his; I don’t.

Yes, it seemed like I got lost after college. My immediate goal then was to graduate from college with high honors. That was my goal, my priority, and I already reached it. But after that, everything became a blur. It seemed like my life suddenly became a free-for-all skirmish. Choosing priorities was like choosing what to eat from a hundred-viand buffet. There were long term priorities and there were short ones. Excited as I was, I got drowned with the short ones. I chose short-term priorities like having a romantic relationship or buying everything that I want, or always go out with friends. I chose priorities that were negotiable. I didn’t care much about my future. Yes, I made long-term priorities about my future but those were long terms, as in LONG terms. I thought that since life isn’t going to end anytime soon, the stretch of reaching my goal would be like until forever. And I thought it would be tiring.

But Villa became an instrument. He woke me up. And now I am resetting my priorities right. I was missing some of my opportunities under my nose simply because I am fully tuned in with searching (even chasing will account as a synonym) for a relationship, like a manhunt. Little did I know that having a great career, a well-grounded education background, and a financially, emotionally and socially fulfilling life with my family and a bunch of friends will make everything else follow. Love will overflow when the time comes that I found love within myself. It was my fault to always compare myself with older people, as if I was comparing my future with their present, which is wrong. This is me, my complicated, beautiful, messy life. And only I have my own version of my own future. I’m unique. I should celebrate it. So for now, I will prioritize my career, because when I have a good career, boys will definitely follow me.

Thanks to Wilvic and his messy sexy hair.

To Villa (A Parody to Jason Mraz’ A Beautiful Mess)

[22April2009|7:34am|If This Isn't Love by Jennifer Hudson]

You may not have the best of both worlds
But you’re the kind of boy who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language,
And the meekness that you’ve been showing
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what contentment is

What a beautiful mess this is.

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks are quick
And probably have to do with your practicalities
There’s no shame in being crazy,

I know you’ve always been
But depending on how you take this

This relationship we’re staging

You’re such a beautiful mess, yes you are
It’s like picking up scratch in papers

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the simple and selfless life you have
It’s nice to hear what you’ve been
And I like being submerged in your contradictions

Through timeless conversations and priceless moments

We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
We may or may not be and our hearts might disfigure
But its nice today.

Oh the wait it was so worth it.

You’re my angel.

One Night in Baguio

[19April2009|10:40pm|Right Now Na Na by Akon]

Last night was probably the best night of my entire stay in Baguio so far. Nevada Square. Friday’s. The overflowing vodka, beers and test tube shots. I was with someone who was a first timer to House and Club music. The calling of endless power dance on the floor. I dragged him to the dance floor. I asked him to just pretend that we’re together so that he won’t get lost in the crowd. We started swaying, dancing; feeling the beat of the music. Eyes watching. Protection turned to ownership turned to possession. Our eyes slowly closing, making our other senses more focused to the music. The movement of the hands – from the nape to the shoulders down to the chest and to the waist. More people staring. We getting drowned by the party music and the beauty of vodka and beers and shots. From colleagues to friends, we stripped down our identities to just being ourselves. To becoming partners; to becoming lovers for one night. We surrendered to the calling of flirting and intimacy. Unending manifestations of flirting and intimacy. His hands on my face. His arms on my shoulders. He going down while seducing me. The collision of every part of our bodies. More people staring while we see nothing but the two of us in the middle of the pit. The intimacy enveloping us as one while Akon’s “(I wanna make love) Right Now Na Na” was playing on the background. The music shifted from club to house to trance. We were reaching Nirvana.

It continued on for the next five hours or so until it’s almost dawn. We were drunk, but we were both satisfied. We conquered Nevada Square that night. It was unforgettable.

Whatever happens in Baguio stays in Baguio (but God let it happen again).

A Deal with God

[12April2009|10:45pm|He Still Loves Me by The Fighting Temptations]

I am talking to my straight friends as I write this entry. I’m asking them if there is anything wrong about making a deal with God. I know I’ve made two deals with Him before but I failed, so now I thought of trying it again for the 3^rd time, and hopefully this time I will and I can. This will be a difficult deal because it’s double-edged and I have experienced a lot of Akrasia (weakness of the will) doing it. This year’s Holy Week revealed to me the Truth about (1) letting go of the past, (2) moving forward, and (3) not being afraid to be myself among straight guys. I think I can keep up with this deal with God, and I will try my very best. I am no hoping for any exchange in return, but I wanted to sacrifice something so that my conviction will be more substantial and “serious” for that matter. So here’s the deal:

I promise to rekindle in keeping my sexual purity until W and I are together.

I am keeping this both for W’s sake and as someone who is trying to be good despite all the things that I have done in the past. There are no ends in trying to be good for oneself and for others, right?

It’s never too late to start again. And for you, W, if you can read this, that’s how much I can sacrifice for you.